After years of research and many failures, we have finally succeeded and are ready for tournament play. We have now perfected the ultimate softball computer chip that will mount on a backstop in a camera and is set up to survey the entire field. Senior Softball, I give you the Virtual Holographic Umpire!!!! The VHU will project onto the field to give players the feeling that a real umpire is there, but this will be much more. The incredible sensors will measure plays to nano inches and nano seconds. The bases will all be chipped and will light up a bright orange color when a runner touches them so missed bases will be easy to spot and we will know the exact moment a player touches it. The baselines will be an electric Green for easy calls on fair and foul. Each Weber Brand Softball, molded to perfection by Weber Sports, will be identical and chipped to enhance the perfectly umpired game. From the virtual ‘Play Ball’ intoned by the VHU to the end of the game, every play will be flawlessly and correctly called by the VHU.
All softball gloves will be chipped with the Weber SUPER Chip that will register the exact moment the ball contacts the glove with a purple light and will extinguish the light the moment the ball is not in contact any more.
The ball chips will be equipped to measure the height of every pitch. Any pitch that is over the height limit will result in a flashing RED light and a siren will sound indicating an illegal pitch. The penalty for the pitcher for throwing an illegal pitch will be a mild shock through the chip in the glove. This will teach the pitcher not to throw illegal pitches. Pitches that are not high enough will also trigger a BLUE light and emit a sound like a long Bronx cheer to indicate an illegal pitch and the pitcher will again receive a mild shock. We at Weber Sports believe this will speed up the game. Pitchers MUST be taught to pitch legally. Outfield fences will also have a sensor to tell if a ball clears it or not.
Each ball chip will also be able to tell if an illegal bat is used. If a ball is struck will an illegal bat, a loud voice will announce ‘Cheater bat! Cheater Bat’ repeatedly and the batter will receive an electric shock that will render him unconscious. We do believe that will only be needed once to prove it works…..
For those that will argue any call at any time, there will be an ‘argument corner’ behind each dugout. The coaches will be allowed to go back there and a Virtual Holographic Field Supervisor (VHFS) will patiently listen as the manager vents his frustrations. The game will continue, as we know the calls are flawless. The VHFS (also know as DD) will be a patient chip to a point…..
And lastly, if an illegal player or courtesy runner enters the game, a pyrotechnic display will erupt from every sensor and that player will be called out. The manager that allows this to happen will receive a mild electrical shock.
For the very reasonable price of $14,777 per field as a one-time charge for every softball field, we can have perfectly umpired games, all of the time. I am sure this will be acceptable to every player’s budget to have perfectly umpired games.
Today is Webbie’s favorite day.
I think our friend Webbie just might have too much time on his hands.
Webbie, you've had must-reads in the past on April 1, and this is another masterpiece. I think the price for the VHU is quite reasonable. For a tournament field, with $70.37 per player each game, that is a bargain. Certainly SSUSA could absorb the cost for a tournament and save many hours of delay, dispute, and disgruntlement. It would only add a bit to the ever-increasing tournament fee. The time saved would allow even more games per day and the cost would drop to $54.73 per player per game. Three day tournaments would now be completed in two days (some brackets in a single day). Bring it on, Weber Sports. (Remember, a lot of big-time hitters consider a $299 price for a bat that breaks in one day as a justifiable expense).
Thanks, Omar. It's fun to try to make people laugh a bit.
Well done sir. Bases that light up or make a sound would be at the top of my wish list. Maybe add in the outer edges of the rubber plate.
